Strawberry Gashes

Maybe I need to stop. I feel like you loved me more when I held everything in, when I pretended to be happy, when I wasn’t working things out.
I just need to start pretending again. There’s no such thing as sadness.
Except when I’m alone

Why am I suicidal again ? I don’t want to be… I just want somebody to care. Not online. In real life. I want somebody to notice me.
But my cries and silent and my scars are hidden. And I’m just too afraid to ask for help.

It’s not that I want to kill myself, it’s that I don’t want to deal with anyone anymore

I need to stop making assumptions on what people are thinking and feeling. He noticed, he felt terrible, he just didn’t know what to do.
I usually want space, so he gave me space… But this time I just wanted a hand to hold and a body to hug.
I didn’t tell him anything; how would he have known?
But when i did talk he made me feel ok. He wants me to love myself as much as he loves me. Which I can’t ever see myself doing, but I want to make him happy, I want to make him proud of me

I just cut,

in my boyfriends house

he doesnt notice the makeup on my face… or the new hair ties on my wrist that are burning the fresh layer of exposed skin

i dont know what makes it worse

the fact that i swore to never do it again, 

or the fact that i did it here…… 

Please, i dont know where im going with my life. i dont know anything. i just know that i dont want to do this anymore. im already losing my mind. 

fuck

i cant take it… 

how can he not notice

the tears falling down my cheeks

or is it that he just doesnt care. …. oh my gosh

I hate this… i might as well not even be here…. anywhere

gone

You make me feel ridiculous.
In a bad way…
Like I’ve invested too much of my time in you and I know that you just don’t care as much as I do.

I could really fucking kill myself now and have no second thoughts

So fucking close to relapsing.

i keep pretending like everythings okay, but its not. 

every night i break down and cry and just think of ways that i could “accidently” kill myself so it didnt hurt others as much. because thats all i fucking do

hurt people

and im fucking tired of it

maybe i should go back to therapy, but she pissed me off so badly and always made me feel like a horrible person. 

i dont know what to do right now… i guess i’ll just bury myself in school work until i snap again..